Your moist eyes simply blink
at the emerald stretch,
as my culpable ones
diffidently shift.
Your chiseled smile exudes
shrouded consternation.
My face – tinted crimson –
is buried in my palms.
Your hand – black, blue and red –
holds my unblemished one.
The other ready to
catch my secret tears.
Your nobility seems to
scoff at my cowardice.
Your frayed clothes ridicule
my ragged being.
Piercing my ears
is the booming silence,
which blares out chapters of
your courteousness.
A thousand times over,
I wished to be your vestige.
And a thousand times more,
I wished you were dead.
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Why in the name of carnation do you want the "brother" to die?Aforementioned reasons are not enough.. Btw,'tis is good compostion,Subtle I must add,nontheless you shall be a great composer one day.And if you dont send me 25 V.V.I.P passes you are "Child Of Doom".
ReplyDeleteTo start off, this comes ridiculously late, I know. I have no excuse, and I'm sorry. :P I'm going to make this as brief as possible. Initially, here's a couple of suggestions regarding word choice/typo type mistakes.
ReplyDeleteMy face - tinted crimson- is buried in my palms.
Nobleness - nobility sounds better
A thousand times over, I wished to be your vestige.
I really, really liked this, Neethi. It's like a fantastically condensed version of the book, and it succeeds in preserving almost every emotion I remember coming across while reading it. There's amazing use of imagery and the contrasts are almost perfect. The end does come as a bit of a shock, but it's the kind of shock that completes the piece and even acts as an appropriate resolution, if that makes any sense.I only wished this were a bit longer...
Looking forward to reading more of your work tres, tres soon! :)